Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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