Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
