Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
