I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
