How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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