I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
