i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
