Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Houston, we have a blender
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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