y did u give ur computer a hand job?
look no pants
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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