Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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