Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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