I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
