She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
