Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
