how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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