hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
