i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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