I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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