i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
