last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
