shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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