Can i not drive my cunt home
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
