My sheets look like a crime scene.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I pour the whiskey from now on
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
