hotel room ftw
Please, let me fuck your mom
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Randomize
