What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
