What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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