So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
