"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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