just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
