i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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