Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
