dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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