Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
