I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
