i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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