dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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