Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
