i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
