im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
