In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
