At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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