tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
