I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
