Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
