At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
