Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
