We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
