the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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