he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
