Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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