i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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