I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
