I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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