I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
