I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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