My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
