Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
you never un-have a 4some
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
