I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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