he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
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