So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
