pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
