I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
