the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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