just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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